Last Day

37W 1D. It's my last day of work, and it's surreal that I won't be in here again until after I'm a mom. I saw the doctor last night and I'm about 1 cm dialated which is pretty normal, but no indicator that anything is happening soon. So I think I'm going to have some time to kill over the next few weeks. We'll see though. I better start updating my Netflix list.

It's been too long...

I am 35W 4D of full blown pregnanciness! It's crazy how quickly the time has flown. Finally, my 20 week u/s pic but more exciting it this fabulous 3D pic from a few weeks ago:

Amazing how much you can see! So I'm feeling pretty good. But really ready to be done. Baby is doing great. She's head down and definitely dropping. The midwife I saw on Friday for my 35 week said that her head is nice and low against my cervix, which is a good indicator for vaginal birth. Who knows, of course. But that's nice to hear. No dilulation or thinning so far however.

I have two weeks of work left and I'm pretty sure I'll be dragging my ass in and out each day since I'm pretty tired overall. We're pretty much done with the nursery, so for now there will be a lot waiting to do. And washing. And rearranging I'm sure. Nesting is great.

Can't wait to meet you, Baby Girl!

Ladies Weekend

23W 2D! Whoa! Still haven't scanned in the U/S pics but I WILL get on that.

So much excitement! We've started work on the nursery. Hubby and FIL are putting in an overhead light which will be great. We have paint colors worked out and we're registered for our bedding. It's going to be a "woodland" theme with a beautiful quilt from Pottery Barn. Not a lot of pink either.

I also have my shower scheduled, thanks to my MIL. It will be March 14th, which I'm very happy about since I won't be super huge yet. We've registered for basically everything now, and I'm hoping our families will help us out with furniture. We'll see!

Hubby is out of town this weekend, and though I'm going to miss him, I'm super excited. Me and Baby Girl are having a ladies weekend. Lots of shopping, manicures, and movies. Looking forward to some time alone, actually. Just me and my daughter. :)

GIRL!

Our ultrasound shows no boys parts! My sister was right: there was no chance of us having a boy, with all the girls in our family born in May. We're very excited, and I even purchased a few girly outfits for our little lady. I thought I would feel really overwhelmed knowing what we're having, like it makes everything so real. But I've really been loving the idea of having a daughter, and all that will mean for us. What an adventure!

Will post ultrasound pics once I have them scanned.

One more week

18w 4d. Next monday we have our big ultrasound. It's killing me waiting. I NEED to know. I'm kinda feeling it's a boy, but I think that's a combination of everyone telling me that and the fact that I'm drawn more to boy names. Hubby thinks it's girl, but I think he's just saying that so he's not disappointed. We'll see...

I'm getting a bit ansy already about getting everything done in time. I know I'm not even at my half-way point, but already I feel like there's so much we need to do. The registry! The nursery! The classes! I gotta remind myself to slow down, and take it a little at a time. Deep breath.

Still Chugging Along

17w 5d today. Whoa. That flew. I've been feeling pretty good, although I feel like my bladder is shrinking. All those pregnancy books say that you're supposed to feel more comfortable in the gotta-go-all-the-time department in your second trimester. For me, I'm finding I gotta go way more often than I ever had to in my first trimester.

In more exciting news, I'm feeling the baby. I starting noticing that famous "bubbles" feeling last week, but I wasn't initially convinced that it was actual baby movement verses just gas. But now I'm convinced it's the baby because the sensations are more distinguishable for me. It's pretty cool to feel, although too early for Hubby to notice. I think that will still be a few weeks away.

Our BIG ultrasound is in two weeks and I have such a mix of feelings about it. I'm excited to know, but nervous too, because suddenly our little Peapod becomes a real PERSON. I'll officially be having a SON or DAUGHTER. It's sounds so weird to me. And I'm starting to think about the challenges that come along with raising each. A girl seems like it would so much easier to me because I know what she will go through, but boys...that's a whole different thing. I know realistically that either will have challenges and joys that I haven't even thought of yet, and it is in my nature to worry about everything WAY before it could even possibly become in issue. So I'm trying to keep it all in check. It's funny how I'll be worrying about how to raise this little person, and today I wake up feeling its little baby flutters in my tummy and feel so blessed to have that sweet little being, whatever he or she is. It's calming because I know we'll figure it out. After all, if Britney Spears can have kids, I think we'll be okay.

So apparently I'm showing. A lot.

Yes, well I was calmly and in due time make my annoucement to work. That didn't exactly happen. Monday morning, I was completely outed. I was in an elevator full of people from my department when a woman I've talked to maybe 6 times says,"I didn't know you were pregnant." How exactly is one supposed to respond to that? I think my jaw hit the floor as a attempted to control the redness I could feel coming to my face. I said, "Well, yes." She then tried to explain herself, probably because she could tell I was wondering how the hell she could know that. Up until this point, I had only told one coworker, a trusted friend, who never talks to this lady. She says, "No, you look great. I could tell cause you're so skinny and the way you were standing." Okay. So I politely ask her if she wouldn't mind keeping it quiet (and the rest of the freaking elevator at this point) since I haven't really told people at work yet. Completely busted.

By this time, we're at our floor and total panic ensues. I must tell my boss ASAP before he hears it from, I don't know, one of the ten people in the elevator with me. Fortunately, I see him in the hall and we set up a meeting for later that afternoon. He was overjoyed for me and thought the elevator story was pretty funny. So it all turned out okay.

Today I'm 13W 1D and as my special treat for entering my second trimester, I'm FINALLY getting my hair colored again. It's looking sort of crack whore right now, since it's so grown out. I can't wait. I'm going to try to convert a pair of my well-fitting-yet-not-too-expensive jeans into maternity this weekend. Apparently I need some room for this baby in my waistband area. That way I can stick my stomach out even more.

Second Photoshoot

Our second ultrasound went pretty well. The tech was great. We got to see the baby moving all over the place, kicking and jumping. It was pretty crazy. We also got to hear the heartbeat - 148 bpm. Then the doc came in did the NT part of the scan. He kinda sucked...not talkative, in a hurry. I had to ask him if everything looked good and when I would hear the results. We just have to put him on the list of docs we hope aren't on call when we deliver.

I got blood drawn once we were done and I should hear in a week if everything looks good. I'm keeping my fingers crossed but I can't help but be nervous.

NT Screen Tomorrow

11 Weeks today! Whoa that flew. I'm almost out of my first trimester. Tomorrow we have our second ultrasound and the neucal translucency screen in which the doc looks for signs of Downs Syndrome. I'm of course nervous about that, but just nervous in general to make sure everything is okay with Peapod. But it will be reassuring to see our baby again on the screen.

If everything looks good, we'll officially be out. We'll give our parents clearance to tell whoever they like, and although most of our friends know, we'll probably email the few stragglers left. Then, it's on to telling work. My plan if to tell my boss at the end of next week, right at 12 weeks, and then hopefully have a little meeting with my team to tell everyone else. I'm just praying it goes over well.

We've also started talking about baby names. It's so hard because so names that we like are already taken by friend's kids, or we have friends with the name. We don't want anything too crazy either. I think we'll probably wait until we know the sex before seriously considering anything. That way we can just rule out one whole category.

Wow! We're really having a BABY. Crazy.

Ick

I don't mean to complain, but yes I do. I feel gross. This week has been rough. I've been exhausted in the evenings - I usually fall asleep in front of the TV around 8:30. I wake up again and actually get into bed, but I just feel like I'm dragging my body through the night. I've been okay during the day. More tired but nothing awful. I can tell the pregnancy hormones are peaking though, because I've definitely had a little more nausea. Usually in the late mornings and once I get home from work. Saltines work wonders for for though. Thank God for those little simple crackers.

I'm 9 weeks today and I'm starting to think about when to tell work. We have our first trimester ultrasound and NT screen in two weeks, and I'm thinking that the best plan is to wait until then. That way, I can tell everyone during week 12 and feel pretty good about the timing (i.e. not waiting too long so that my obvious baby bump speaks for itself but also feeling good about the viability of our little peapod).

Other than work though, I'm out. Well, not entirely. I'm telling a number of our friends tomorrow since we'll all be out together. And then I figure the flood gates will open. But all of Hubby's family knows, and my parents all know. I haven't green-lighted the extended family yet...but pretty soon. It's so exciting sharing the news.

I'm definitely dying for the weekend to come. This one's a long one too since it's Columbus Day Monday. I think we'll go pumpkin-picking.

First Picture

Look at that beautiful baby. Doesn't look like much right now, but it was still very exciting. We got to see the heartbeat on the screen. It was just a little flicker, but definitely there! I measuring 7w 5d, which is normal, and my due date is May 14th. I love the fact that the due date is right between my sister's and my mom's b-days. Perfect!

The doctor said everything looks good, and I go back in a month for my N/T screen. They check for neural tube issues that could indicate Down Syndrome. I'm excited and happy and feeling pretty calm about everything.

Tomorrow, I'm going to get a Bella Band. I didn't think I would be needing it this early, but I'm getting a serious muffin top from all the constant eating I do. Most of my pants are snug, and it's only going to get worse. So I'm preparing myself. I could also use a few more blousy tops that better conceal my growing gut. I thought I wasn't supposed to show for months! Well, I guess right now I'm just showing excess bloat. At least it's all for a good reason:)

Symptoms

I thought maybe I'd be one of those lucky ones. But, no, Monday morning I was napping peacefully on the train on the way to work when I felt a little feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew it was coming, and thankfully I made it to the bathroom before I barfed. Yuck. I also have been feeling okay since then, so I think the culprit was my empty stomach. No food for eight plus hours times train rocking = barf.

I've also started to look a little, well, fat. I've only gained maybe 2 pounds, but I look so bloated in my midsection. Today I'm wearing a fitted button-down shirt and really regretting that decision, because it's not very forgiving. My pants are getting snug, and when buttoned, are not all that comfortable. Also, my boobs are huge. Well, huge for me anyways. Huge and sore. I might as well get used to that, I guess.

Also in the last few days, I have been ravenously hungry. Like if it's been two hours since I ate something, my stomach starts growling and feels like I haven't eaten in a week. Therefore, I've been eating pretty constantly and at this rate, I'll gain 60 pounds in this pregnancy.

Tomorrow, we have our first doctor appointment and ultrasound tomorrow. Very exciting!

First Appt

I had my first appointment yesterday, which was kind of a letdown, because it was with the OB nurse. And they didn't even test my hCG, or give me a urine test. She just trusts me when I say I got two positive tests 12 days ago. Kinda weird, but I guess why test unneccesarily?

I almost passed out when getting my blood drawn...I hate that part. Hopefully everything looks good on whatever panels they're running. I guess I'll hear next Thursday at my VERY FIRST ULTRASOUND!!! I'm pretty excited about that. Going to Disney tomorrow. Hope it's still a good time even though I can't ride the really good rides ;)

Nervous

Well the anxiety has definitely set in. I had a really pleasant first weekend after learning about my pregnancy, and then, BAM, last Monday it hit me! We're really going to have a BABY!?!?! I'm trying not to get ahead of myself and just be excited and nervous, but I'm finding it hard not to feel just plain nervous at times. I've told my sister and my good friend, and of course they are so excited. But I'm not sure they understand how apprehensive I feel. It's all so overwhleming. Does everyone feel this way? I think the answer is mostly, YES, but I'm harder on myself for being anxious because I've had an anxiety disorder for so long. I just want to feel totally great about this one thing. And that's impossible. But, I do think that's normal. How can you not feel unsure with something so HUGE.

So I'm trying to remind myself to take it a week at a time, and really, it's only been like ten days since we found out. It's going to take some time to absorb it all.

In the meantime, I'm getting used to my new preggers diet. No deli (which totally sucks - all I want is a turkey sandwich sometimes!), no sushi, no alcohol, and (for me) less caffeine. I'm not giving up my morning coffee altogether, just modifying with a cup of half-caff. That seems to do the trick. Also, I've been relitively symptom-free (I hestitate to say, since I'm sure I'm dooming myself right now). My boobs are sore and definitely growing, which is not so bad for flat-chested gal. And I've had tons of lower-digestional issues, but still relatively manageable. Tomorrow, I have my appointment with the OB nurse, to get blood drawn and do the whole what-to-expect schpeel. And then I have my first doctor appointment (and U/S!) on 9/25, where they should be able to see a heartbeat. Crazy!

Right now, I feel pretty good actually. Not too nervous, pretty excited also. That's a good feeling!

Drum Roll....

I can't quite fully believe it but....I'm pregnant!  I tested yesterday as suggested by Fertility Friend.  First thing in the morning, and early, even though we weren't going into work.  But I couldn't stand the suspense anymore, even though I had an idea.  I don't know why, but I just had a feeling the test was going to be positive.  And sure enough, I peed on the test, and like ten seconds later, it was positive.  That was reassuring, because when I had my chemical pregnancy, the test took almost the full three minutes to come back positive.  So I'm hoping that means the HcG levels are higher than last time.  Just to help confirm, I did another on later in the afternoon, after lots of liquid, and it was also positive!  I'm excited and I think it could be real this time.  But I'm still so nervous I'm just going to miscarry again.

To make matters worse, I'm not seeing the OB nurse for a blood beta until I'm 6 weeks, so I have to wait another two weeks for that.  And then I don't see my doctor until I'm eight weeks, and she's not even available in the evenings until I'm nine weeks.  So it sucks, cause here I am waiting again.  And we really don't want to start telling people until I've had that first ultrasound, which just prolongs everything even more.  But I'm trying not to think about all that...just be positive and excited.  And surprisingly, not as nervous as I thought.

Hate the Wait...

According to my chart, I am 7 dpo. And I hestitate to say it, but I feel pretty good about this cycle. We tried really hard (that sounds so ridiculous - but it's true!). A good amount of humpin' around O time. I can't help but look at that little pregnancy tracker next to my chart that says what my due date would be if we conceived this cycle. SO annoying just waiting. And getting my hopes up...more than during the last few cycles. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

O or No?

I think I might be slightly obsessed with this whole pregnancy thing. Oh, how far I've come! Early in the year, when I first went off BC, I was telling myself, "We'll just see what happens...not try, not prevent." I was really against "trying" because to me it seemed so unspontaneous, and I didn't want baby-making to become a chore. Also, I know my personality type is one that can easily become obsessive. Fast forward to now...and that's exactly where we are!

In some ways it's good. I've learned a lot about fertility from other's blogs and from my daily visits to Fertility Friend. But perhaps it's consuming me a bit. Six months ago, I insisted that I didn't want to use OPKs, let alone start checking my BBT. Now, having peed on so many O test sticks, I wonder what happened.

I haven't gone so far as to chart my BBT, but I never even knew what cervical mucus was in January, and if you had asked me then, I would have assumed it was related to an STD. But, all the same, I've learned and now I'm checking that daily. I have to say, I know all the signs of ovulation are there, but why oh why do they have to be so subjective? Like, you look at those damn ovulation tests and you're supposed to be able to interpret the f-ing line. Is darker than the control line? What if it's only dark on one side? I'd get those digital ones, but they're so damn expensive. If I had been buying those all along, we'd have no money left by now to actually raise a child. And the whole CM thing is just as bad. Sticky? Creamy? Egg White? All I know is that I'm spending way too much time looking at fluid excreted from my body.

Men have it so easy...

My Chemical Romance

Well, I got my period again. I'm actually okay with it...I'm trying not to get too upset each month I get my period because, really, it's definitely not going to help things. But I did have a lot of hopes for this month since, last month, I had to deal with the frustration of what I can only assume was a chemical pregnancy. I had never heard of this before it happened to me, but now I'm pretty educated about it. So hear's the story in case anyone out there is going through the same thing:

My cycles have been a little crazy, averaging about 31 days, but I had one that was 26 days. But with no sign of my period by day 31, I decided to take a HPT. I know they have all these fancy "test five days sooner" HPTs now, but honestly, I don't want to waste any more money taking tests too early, getting a BFN, and then getting my period two days later. Annnnywaaaays...so I waited until day 31, and was happy, and a little overwhelmed, to get a positive. I don't care how bad you want to be knocked up...if you're like me and you've taken more than a few HPTs in your lifetime that you were PRAYING were negative, it's always a shock to see that second line, plus sign, smiley face...whatever.

My husband was standing by though, and we decided to go out for a celebratory breakfast, followed by pregnancy book shopping. Hubby, being the voice of reason, however, said, "Shouldn't you take another one just to be sure?" Now, I've always heard that there's no such thing as a false positive pregnancy test. If you get a positive, that's it - you've got a bun in your oven. Plus I had taken one of those techie digital test that clearly says "Pregnant" on its fancy display window. So I confidently told Hubby all this, showed him my test, and we preceded on with our day.

Several hours later, once we were back home, something came over me and I felt compelled to take another HPT. I did and this one was negative. What? How it that possible? I told myself it must be because it was later in the day and my urine was therefore more diluted. Also, this second test was a different brand so, I thought, maybe it's not as sensitive. I told Hubby what happened and we did what everyone would do in this confusing situation - we went on a panic HPT shopping spree. Like two high school kids, or perhaps straight from the scene in the movie "Knocked Up," we filled a CVS shopping basket with different tests. Once we got home though, I decided to wait for a bit to take the next test; this way my urine would be less dilute. After a few hours, negative again. By now, we're both completely confused. We decided to sleep on it.

The next morning, with FMU, I take my fourth test. Also a negative. I still hadn't gotten my period though, so I figure it's time to call the doctor. And then the next day, just after I've made an appointment for bloodwork, Aunt Flow makes her appearance. So, after all that drama, I was pretty confused, and did some reading. Most people say it really isn't possible to get a false positives, so most likely, I was actually pregnant and had a very early miscarriage.

I was upset about all this, but after reading and realizing that this usually happens when an embryo isn't viable, I felt fortunate that it happened early and not after I had weeks or months of hoping. Plus, I keep reminding myself that I now know that we are capable of getting pregnant. And hopefully, the next one will stick...

Intro

Here it goes.

I'm totally new to this blogging thing, but now that me and hubby are on the TTC path, I'm discovering the therapeutic aspect of venting all your stresses and sharing all your joys with others out there in your situation.

I'm 29 and DH is 34. We've been TTC for 5 months now, starting when I went off Nuvaring in February. I realize, generally speaking, I have nothing to complain about. So many other couples out there have been TTC for years. But it doesn't matter if it's one cycle or dozens that you have to endure when you're on that road. It's still hard, and I find it especially frustrating because I was so unsure of babies for so long. Last year in June, we left our wonderful-but-small Manhattan apartment for the suburbs, with the thought that we would start a family. But once we got out of the city, I suddenly felt terrified of being a mother. I'm sure that the combination of our huge life change and normal fears of parenthood was what overwhelmed me. So we backed off from the whole idea for awhile. Finally, in February this year, we decided to take the plunge, and just "see how it goes." Now, five months later, I'm stamping my foot, wondering why we're not one of those freak couples that just got pregnant like that. It's so ironic considering I was so scared for so long about actually getting pregnant and now I'm just dying for it to happen!

It probably doesn't help either that this seems to be the year for pregnancies. It seems that nearly every one of our friends got pregnant this year, and I can't help but be jealous. And if any of your other TTCers out there are reading this, I know you can relate to my frustration with constantly being asked, "So, when are you guys gonna have kids?"

I really do believe it will happen for us. Hopefully sooner rather than later...