Hate the Wait...

According to my chart, I am 7 dpo. And I hestitate to say it, but I feel pretty good about this cycle. We tried really hard (that sounds so ridiculous - but it's true!). A good amount of humpin' around O time. I can't help but look at that little pregnancy tracker next to my chart that says what my due date would be if we conceived this cycle. SO annoying just waiting. And getting my hopes up...more than during the last few cycles. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

O or No?

I think I might be slightly obsessed with this whole pregnancy thing. Oh, how far I've come! Early in the year, when I first went off BC, I was telling myself, "We'll just see what happens...not try, not prevent." I was really against "trying" because to me it seemed so unspontaneous, and I didn't want baby-making to become a chore. Also, I know my personality type is one that can easily become obsessive. Fast forward to now...and that's exactly where we are!

In some ways it's good. I've learned a lot about fertility from other's blogs and from my daily visits to Fertility Friend. But perhaps it's consuming me a bit. Six months ago, I insisted that I didn't want to use OPKs, let alone start checking my BBT. Now, having peed on so many O test sticks, I wonder what happened.

I haven't gone so far as to chart my BBT, but I never even knew what cervical mucus was in January, and if you had asked me then, I would have assumed it was related to an STD. But, all the same, I've learned and now I'm checking that daily. I have to say, I know all the signs of ovulation are there, but why oh why do they have to be so subjective? Like, you look at those damn ovulation tests and you're supposed to be able to interpret the f-ing line. Is darker than the control line? What if it's only dark on one side? I'd get those digital ones, but they're so damn expensive. If I had been buying those all along, we'd have no money left by now to actually raise a child. And the whole CM thing is just as bad. Sticky? Creamy? Egg White? All I know is that I'm spending way too much time looking at fluid excreted from my body.

Men have it so easy...

My Chemical Romance

Well, I got my period again. I'm actually okay with it...I'm trying not to get too upset each month I get my period because, really, it's definitely not going to help things. But I did have a lot of hopes for this month since, last month, I had to deal with the frustration of what I can only assume was a chemical pregnancy. I had never heard of this before it happened to me, but now I'm pretty educated about it. So hear's the story in case anyone out there is going through the same thing:

My cycles have been a little crazy, averaging about 31 days, but I had one that was 26 days. But with no sign of my period by day 31, I decided to take a HPT. I know they have all these fancy "test five days sooner" HPTs now, but honestly, I don't want to waste any more money taking tests too early, getting a BFN, and then getting my period two days later. Annnnywaaaays...so I waited until day 31, and was happy, and a little overwhelmed, to get a positive. I don't care how bad you want to be knocked up...if you're like me and you've taken more than a few HPTs in your lifetime that you were PRAYING were negative, it's always a shock to see that second line, plus sign, smiley face...whatever.

My husband was standing by though, and we decided to go out for a celebratory breakfast, followed by pregnancy book shopping. Hubby, being the voice of reason, however, said, "Shouldn't you take another one just to be sure?" Now, I've always heard that there's no such thing as a false positive pregnancy test. If you get a positive, that's it - you've got a bun in your oven. Plus I had taken one of those techie digital test that clearly says "Pregnant" on its fancy display window. So I confidently told Hubby all this, showed him my test, and we preceded on with our day.

Several hours later, once we were back home, something came over me and I felt compelled to take another HPT. I did and this one was negative. What? How it that possible? I told myself it must be because it was later in the day and my urine was therefore more diluted. Also, this second test was a different brand so, I thought, maybe it's not as sensitive. I told Hubby what happened and we did what everyone would do in this confusing situation - we went on a panic HPT shopping spree. Like two high school kids, or perhaps straight from the scene in the movie "Knocked Up," we filled a CVS shopping basket with different tests. Once we got home though, I decided to wait for a bit to take the next test; this way my urine would be less dilute. After a few hours, negative again. By now, we're both completely confused. We decided to sleep on it.

The next morning, with FMU, I take my fourth test. Also a negative. I still hadn't gotten my period though, so I figure it's time to call the doctor. And then the next day, just after I've made an appointment for bloodwork, Aunt Flow makes her appearance. So, after all that drama, I was pretty confused, and did some reading. Most people say it really isn't possible to get a false positives, so most likely, I was actually pregnant and had a very early miscarriage.

I was upset about all this, but after reading and realizing that this usually happens when an embryo isn't viable, I felt fortunate that it happened early and not after I had weeks or months of hoping. Plus, I keep reminding myself that I now know that we are capable of getting pregnant. And hopefully, the next one will stick...

Intro

Here it goes.

I'm totally new to this blogging thing, but now that me and hubby are on the TTC path, I'm discovering the therapeutic aspect of venting all your stresses and sharing all your joys with others out there in your situation.

I'm 29 and DH is 34. We've been TTC for 5 months now, starting when I went off Nuvaring in February. I realize, generally speaking, I have nothing to complain about. So many other couples out there have been TTC for years. But it doesn't matter if it's one cycle or dozens that you have to endure when you're on that road. It's still hard, and I find it especially frustrating because I was so unsure of babies for so long. Last year in June, we left our wonderful-but-small Manhattan apartment for the suburbs, with the thought that we would start a family. But once we got out of the city, I suddenly felt terrified of being a mother. I'm sure that the combination of our huge life change and normal fears of parenthood was what overwhelmed me. So we backed off from the whole idea for awhile. Finally, in February this year, we decided to take the plunge, and just "see how it goes." Now, five months later, I'm stamping my foot, wondering why we're not one of those freak couples that just got pregnant like that. It's so ironic considering I was so scared for so long about actually getting pregnant and now I'm just dying for it to happen!

It probably doesn't help either that this seems to be the year for pregnancies. It seems that nearly every one of our friends got pregnant this year, and I can't help but be jealous. And if any of your other TTCers out there are reading this, I know you can relate to my frustration with constantly being asked, "So, when are you guys gonna have kids?"

I really do believe it will happen for us. Hopefully sooner rather than later...